Things are good these days. Though not perfect, I live everyday thankful for my blessings. I started this year with no job, no real plan but I was hopeful and that hope has seen me through. I’ve now successfully managed three big fundraising events, which is great for the ego. But what I’m most thankful for is the fact that I don’t hate going to work everyday because I used to! 

Though I’m not completely living my purpose, this position has been exactly what I need and it is remarkable to be a part of something bigger than myself. And I’m truly motivated my our vision. (Shameless plug, still time to donate, click here: Walk to End Alzheimer’s

I’m still back home with my parents; I’ve stopped looking at it as a step back and I’ve embraced it for what it is. It’s my pivot, an opportunity for a change of direction.

My health is up and down. My medicine has been changed a couple times this year, resulting in the usual weight gain and emotional instability that I’ve become accustomed to. But the funny thing is, I love myself more now than I ever have. I needed a shift in mindset,  I had to rewire or at least start the process. It’s one thing to appear like your changing or blog about changing as I did much of last year. It’s whole different thing to buckle down and do the work necessary for change. It’s messy, tearfilled, difficult work. 

I’m still at the gym 4-5 times a week and do my best with my food choices. The scale has not moved all the way in the right direction but I’m trying. I’ve learned that I can love myself through the process. Yes I want the “body” but the body that I am currently in, is smart, beautiful, confident and capable.

giphy

But even though I’m in this good, ever so positive space. I’m struggling with one thing. Well there are MANY things but one thing in particular that I need to work on soon…forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense”

I’ve been able to forgive most of the trauma that has occurred in my life. I’ve let go of the hate that I once had in my heart for the perpetrators. Let’s be clear, I’m far from healed but I have forgiven the evil. But I struggle to forgive the pain caused by those that are still in my life. The ones that have offended me but I love them so much that I would never want them out of my life. I’m struggling to move from frustration to forgiveness.

The 

I’m on my self-help thing right now so of cour

Soooo yea, I’m struggling with forgiveness. I have no poker face and often times if I’m upset, you’ll know it. I’ll always be there for them but I’m no longer the Venesa that they’ve come expect.

I joke with one of my good friends about self-awareness. It seems to always come up in our conversations, the ability to be really know why you’re doing what you’re doing, thus being able to correct it or not.

I’m aware that at this moment, I’m at a place of anger and I need to move from here to one of forgiveness…

A Woman in Process

Written:11/24/16

 

My train approached as I was recording the above video. I wanted to talk to you all about how I’m been lately; confused, anxious and eager for the next stage of my life. I haven’t been writing the way I used to. It’s not because I don’t have anything to say. In fact, I think it’s because I have too much. I don’t know where to start.

When I walked into the train, I replayed the video a few times. I thought about self-love. You have to love you, all of you, 100% of the time. The world is cold, harsh even. I think we have to be advocates of self before we can be anything to anybody. I’m promoting a poem of mine entitled “No Social Agenda” ( see clip below ).


I discuss my character’s inability to march with millions or raise awareness because she wants to first battle her demons. She feels unable to take on the world, not yet anyway. “I would speak for true beauty but I just became attracted to me”, she screams.

I’m that girl, I think so many of us are. I’m working on me. The fact that I felt compelled and comfortable to speak to you in a video no make up and hair a mess is a testament to my progress. But I still beat myself up. I downplayed how I looked and complained about my acne. In just a 60 second clip, I attacked myself so many times.

I’m going to do a better job of complimenting myself consistently. I love me tons more than I did just last year. But it’s a lifelong relationship with self, be good to you.

Write down 10 things that you love about you. Go on, I’m waiting…

A Woman in Process