I pride myself on being an open book, believing that my story will be an inspiration to others. But at times my transparency is met with unwanted questions and unsolicited advice. When I feel my truth will be ridiculed, I run. I enter my zone usually taking a step back from those around me, unless I feel that they have proven themselves to be unconditional in their love. There is good and bad to this. The good being that I have to protect my dream and my truth. When one chooses to do things that are against the grain or something that may seem far-fetched; the naysayers will be the loudest voice you hear. Protection is necessary. But I’ve learned that by running, I’m protecting myself, yes but I could be hurting other people too.

Running is a natural reaction. Walter Bradford Cannon described it as the fight or flight response. I think we all remember this from high school or our freshmen year psychology class, the one we took only because it was Gen. Ed requirement. “The fight-or-flight response is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival.” During this time the body naturally does things that prepares you get out of harms way as fast as you can or buckle down and fight. We’re talking increased heart rate, constriction of blood vessels and liberation of metabolic energy sources for muscular action!

https://psychlopedia.wikispaces.com/Fight-or-Flight+Response

 

It makes sense that when I feel someone  is attacking me, my dream or my plan; I’m out! I’m not a fighter, so I’ll just walk away. There is nothing wrong with removing yourself from situations that are fruitless. But if it is not yet fruitless, it is worth a conversation not a fight but a productive dialogue. I’m working on doing that. I have a long way to go. My friends call me a turtle, because going into my shell is what feels comfortable. But life isn’t about doing what is comfortable. It also takes maturity to know the difference between an attack and warranted criticism. If I am hurting people with my running or my isolation, I do not want to do it anymore. I’m working desperately to live my life in Christ and hurting people, no matter how inadvertent, is not something that I want to do. Not to mention, constant running is not necessarily the best way to solve any situation.

A Woman in Process

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Last night a friend started sending my roommate and I pictures from our trip to Italy. It was completely unexpected and some how exactly what I needed in the moment. It was great to look back at a time in our lives that we shared, memories that only the three of us would have. There were pictures of the food, the countryside and even the handsome men of Italy! 

Friendship just like any other relationship takes work. They say nothing worth having comes easy. I mean you can have associates that you laugh, chuckle and sometimes go out with. Or you can have true friends that know your deep dark secrets the ones who have your back without judgement. I believe that is what we are working towards. This takes time and most certainly effort.

It’s the willingness to have those difficult conversations. It’s the willingness to at times see past yourself and your emotions. I think often times when we come into relationships, we fail to understand the other person’s perspective. We are all different. In my case, I’ve known one of these girls for fifteen years and the other for two years. Years mean nothing without constant reworking. We are all in process so it’s impossible for us to have the friendship we had even a year ago in Italy. Some areas will be stronger and some not so much. But if you are committed to that relationship no matter what it is, then you work at it.

I had to have a difficult conversation recently, I didn’t want to. But I knew it was necessary for our friendship, it was necessary for me. Historically I have been notorious for running from a situation. I decide that you’ve wronged me and that’s it, I’m out. I’m learning to express myself more, letting my loved ones know how their actions affect me while acknowledging my faults.

My network isn’t perfect but I am committed to keeping the ones that I care about close to me. It has taken me a long time to get here. Just a hint, the first step was letting go of my ego.

Your ego will have you thinking, “your shit don’t stink” please pardon the expression. But we sometimes feel that there is no way we are at fault. Nobody walking this earth is perfect, swallow your pride and build friendships, not Instagram followers or Facebook friends but lasting relationships.

A Woman in Process 

Image Credit: http://cliparts.co/barbed-wire-border-clip-art

I was fortunate to interface with friends this weekend, some old and some new. It is amazing how much you can learn when you surround yourself with the right people.

I am going through a metamorphosis of sorts. I’m becoming the woman I always knew I could be. It is difficult, even more difficult than chasing my dream or losing weight. I am forced to come face to face with my demons. I now battle the things that have held me down for years.

On Saturday I was in a good space. I walked the Brooklyn Bridge and much of the Lower East Side with friends and Milo, of course. I don’t think I’ve talked about Milo much. But he’s my best friend’s toy poodle and my buddy!

When we came home, I laid down to take a nap and clear my head a bit. Somewhere between clearing my head and napping, I started to drown in my memories. I started to question my journey and my happiness. I wanted to ran away and before I would call my “boyfriend” or the guy I was “talking” to so that I wouldn’t have to deal. Guys are a great distraction and I used them for years in that way.

But as I discussed a couple posts back, I am not doing that anymore and I am making a conscious effort to go toe to toe with whatever life throws.

I decided to go to the gym, it was an off day so I figured I would just get on the recumbent bike and read a book.

Before I made it out the door, I was stopped by words that I will now live by. “Why won’t you let us love you” My friends wanted to be there for me. I was removing myself because I did not want to bring them down too. It had been such a great day.

I cried and cried to them, opening up about how messed up I feel, how scared I am. I had a heart to heart the day before with another amazing friend, many things were heavy on my heart. I was a mess but I humbly accepted their presence in my life.

I know that I will get through this rewiring of self but I also know that I will forever be a woman in process.

Thank you to all that have been there for me though out my illness, my weightless journey, my mood swings, my life.

A Woman In Process