Things are good these days. Though not perfect, I live everyday thankful for my blessings. I started this year with no job, no real plan but I was hopeful and that hope has seen me through. I’ve now successfully managed three big fundraising events, which is great for the ego. But what I’m most thankful for is the fact that I don’t hate going to work everyday because I used to! 

Though I’m not completely living my purpose, this position has been exactly what I need and it is remarkable to be a part of something bigger than myself. And I’m truly motivated my our vision. (Shameless plug, still time to donate, click here: Walk to End Alzheimer’s

I’m still back home with my parents; I’ve stopped looking at it as a step back and I’ve embraced it for what it is. It’s my pivot, an opportunity for a change of direction.

My health is up and down. My medicine has been changed a couple times this year, resulting in the usual weight gain and emotional instability that I’ve become accustomed to. But the funny thing is, I love myself more now than I ever have. I needed a shift in mindset,  I had to rewire or at least start the process. It’s one thing to appear like your changing or blog about changing as I did much of last year. It’s whole different thing to buckle down and do the work necessary for change. It’s messy, tearfilled, difficult work. 

I’m still at the gym 4-5 times a week and do my best with my food choices. The scale has not moved all the way in the right direction but I’m trying. I’ve learned that I can love myself through the process. Yes I want the “body” but the body that I am currently in, is smart, beautiful, confident and capable.

giphy

But even though I’m in this good, ever so positive space. I’m struggling with one thing. Well there are MANY things but one thing in particular that I need to work on soon…forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense”

I’ve been able to forgive most of the trauma that has occurred in my life. I’ve let go of the hate that I once had in my heart for the perpetrators. Let’s be clear, I’m far from healed but I have forgiven the evil. But I struggle to forgive the pain caused by those that are still in my life. The ones that have offended me but I love them so much that I would never want them out of my life. I’m struggling to move from frustration to forgiveness.

The 

I’m on my self-help thing right now so of cour

Soooo yea, I’m struggling with forgiveness. I have no poker face and often times if I’m upset, you’ll know it. I’ll always be there for them but I’m no longer the Venesa that they’ve come expect.

I joke with one of my good friends about self-awareness. It seems to always come up in our conversations, the ability to be really know why you’re doing what you’re doing, thus being able to correct it or not.

I’m aware that at this moment, I’m at a place of anger and I need to move from here to one of forgiveness…

A Woman in Process

Written:11/24/16

 

I pride myself on being an open book, believing that my story will be an inspiration to others. But at times my transparency is met with unwanted questions and unsolicited advice. When I feel my truth will be ridiculed, I run. I enter my zone usually taking a step back from those around me, unless I feel that they have proven themselves to be unconditional in their love. There is good and bad to this. The good being that I have to protect my dream and my truth. When one chooses to do things that are against the grain or something that may seem far-fetched; the naysayers will be the loudest voice you hear. Protection is necessary. But I’ve learned that by running, I’m protecting myself, yes but I could be hurting other people too.

Running is a natural reaction. Walter Bradford Cannon described it as the fight or flight response. I think we all remember this from high school or our freshmen year psychology class, the one we took only because it was Gen. Ed requirement. “The fight-or-flight response is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival.” During this time the body naturally does things that prepares you get out of harms way as fast as you can or buckle down and fight. We’re talking increased heart rate, constriction of blood vessels and liberation of metabolic energy sources for muscular action!

https://psychlopedia.wikispaces.com/Fight-or-Flight+Response

 

It makes sense that when I feel someone  is attacking me, my dream or my plan; I’m out! I’m not a fighter, so I’ll just walk away. There is nothing wrong with removing yourself from situations that are fruitless. But if it is not yet fruitless, it is worth a conversation not a fight but a productive dialogue. I’m working on doing that. I have a long way to go. My friends call me a turtle, because going into my shell is what feels comfortable. But life isn’t about doing what is comfortable. It also takes maturity to know the difference between an attack and warranted criticism. If I am hurting people with my running or my isolation, I do not want to do it anymore. I’m working desperately to live my life in Christ and hurting people, no matter how inadvertent, is not something that I want to do. Not to mention, constant running is not necessarily the best way to solve any situation.

A Woman in Process

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image Credit: http://cliparts.co/barbed-wire-border-clip-art

I was fortunate to interface with friends this weekend, some old and some new. It is amazing how much you can learn when you surround yourself with the right people.

I am going through a metamorphosis of sorts. I’m becoming the woman I always knew I could be. It is difficult, even more difficult than chasing my dream or losing weight. I am forced to come face to face with my demons. I now battle the things that have held me down for years.

On Saturday I was in a good space. I walked the Brooklyn Bridge and much of the Lower East Side with friends and Milo, of course. I don’t think I’ve talked about Milo much. But he’s my best friend’s toy poodle and my buddy!

When we came home, I laid down to take a nap and clear my head a bit. Somewhere between clearing my head and napping, I started to drown in my memories. I started to question my journey and my happiness. I wanted to ran away and before I would call my “boyfriend” or the guy I was “talking” to so that I wouldn’t have to deal. Guys are a great distraction and I used them for years in that way.

But as I discussed a couple posts back, I am not doing that anymore and I am making a conscious effort to go toe to toe with whatever life throws.

I decided to go to the gym, it was an off day so I figured I would just get on the recumbent bike and read a book.

Before I made it out the door, I was stopped by words that I will now live by. “Why won’t you let us love you” My friends wanted to be there for me. I was removing myself because I did not want to bring them down too. It had been such a great day.

I cried and cried to them, opening up about how messed up I feel, how scared I am. I had a heart to heart the day before with another amazing friend, many things were heavy on my heart. I was a mess but I humbly accepted their presence in my life.

I know that I will get through this rewiring of self but I also know that I will forever be a woman in process.

Thank you to all that have been there for me though out my illness, my weightless journey, my mood swings, my life.

A Woman In Process