I saw an ex the other day. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. He wanted me to stop and talk for a while but I did the “it was good to see you, but I gotta go” yea I ran, not sure why. He represents a part of my life that I don’t want to revisit. It’s almost like he was the manifestation of the girl I was. And the woman I’ve become/becoming didn’t want to see that scared, lonely, insecure, or confused girl. So I ran from her. Who I was is just as important as who I am now though. I should have embraced my past. Reminiscing in those moments of anguish and self-loathing only helps me appreciate my progress and growth. I’ve made several mistakes, especially as it relates to men. Sometimes it’s hard to acknowledge who you are or who you were. Don’t be ashamed of anything. Nobody is perfect. And everything is fixable. I say that tongue and cheek because obviously some things are not. But the point I’m making is, don’t get caught up in making mistakes: live your life and know that the bad points only prepare you. Let’s grow together!
–A Woman in Process
Last week was a difficult one. After that big and bold post about my renewed focus. I couldn’t get myself focused enough to workout. I think I worked out twice and ate terrible the entire week. I tried to find some profound or deep emotional reason why I couldn’t get on the elliptical. But there was no reason. I was just not motivated enough. At some point we have to take responsibility. Not to the point where we beat ourselves up but just enough to stay driven. We owe it to ourselves to give the best effort. This is the start of a new week and I’m poised to do better. Many times we get caught up with the end game, the destination if you will. I have become engaged and memorized by the process. All I want to do is be better but this is a week by week thing for me. This is not about the weight loss. But rather about looking in the mirror and becoming holistically in love with the woman looking back at me.
— A Woman in Process
When I got sick a few years back, all I wanted to do was get better, whatever that meant. It took months on months to diagnosis. I went from being invincible or so I thought, to not leaving my bed for days. I was a shell of my former self. The most painful part was looking into my mother’s eyes and seeing a woman searching for her daughter. It’s crazy that years later, I still get emotional thinking about those moments.
Needless to say when I was finally diagnosed with Graves Disease, I was relieved, scared but relieved that they could start to treat me. Relieved that there was an explanation for my hair falling out, for my fatigue, my shakes, and my depression. I had an answer, finally. But now what? The hope was to treat my thyroid with medications but that didn’t work. The last option, though I must say my family and I weren’t as thorough as we should have been, was surgery; a full thyroidactamy. I was so eager to be better that I didn’t do my research. I guess long story short, here I am almost three years later with no thyroid, no parathyroid (those are accidentally removed in 50 % of surgeries) and frustrated.
Though I am grateful to be “better”, I struggle with things as small as the common cold, which seems to wreak havoc on my body, Vitamin D and Calcium deficiency, deep mood swings and bouts of depression. Last but certainly not least excessive weight gain. I don’t want to blame it all on my thyroid or lack there of. I’ve struggled with weight growing up. So regardless, I’m sure it would have been a life long fight. However with no thyroid it is more difficult to lose weight.
I see my endocrinologist every three months. After this last visit my levels were good which meant no adjustment in medications. But I gained weight; I’m now the heaviest I’ve ever been. I started to feel bad for myself. But then I decided to stop using my thyroid disease as an excuse. Yes, some days I wake up feeling like complete crap and yes I have to work twice as hard to lose a pound. The fact remains, I’m here and I’m able. Please join me in my lifestyle change. I’ll be posting periodical updates about my progress. My hope is that many of you that struggle with this disease can come on this journey with me or offer advice. I’ve tried to make this change before and I’ve failed. I’ve seen no progress and given up. I truly believe it’s not how many times you fall but rather how many times you are wiling to get up. Let’s grow together!
–A Woman in Process
I woke up one Saturday morning back home in Poughkeepsie, NY. My mom said, you have to ride the bus with Ray before you go back to the city. I thought, ride the bus to where and for what? See Ray has autism, though he is high functioning, he can become really fixated on certain things i.e riding the bus. It dawned on me, how great it is to be so appreciative of the simplest things in life. His eyes light up as he examines the bus driver and her technique. He anticipates all the stops and figures the time spent on each drop off. He smiles as he sees places so familiar but different from the view of this bus. So I start to look around. There’s a woman talking about Sons of Anarchy with the bus driver. Two men talking about how the Patriots will go all the way this year. Good morning, she says! She’s so happy I thought. I often dread my commute from Brooklyn to Manhattan for work each day. But these people no matter where they were going were happy to be on the bus! They were a family, talking about George, where was he today? And I can’t believe Jimmy took the day off. I’m so glad I did this. It was arguably one of the best experiences of my life. The laughter was infectious. My brothers and sisters I urge you to have an “attitude of gratitude”, not just during the Holidays but every day. This bus ride reminded me of that and I’m grateful to my baby brother for teaching me this lesson.
–A Woman in Process
I never wanted to write. Because I thought, who would read it? Then I thought that’s exactly why I should. So here it goes, my first post!
I battle something that all of us face, insecurity. Some are just better at hiding it. So don’t pray to be like them and have their trials because what they are going through, you can never be sure. In this world of social media we have become what I dub “comparison happy”. We look at someone’s photo and wish we had that. What we fail to realize or rather acknowledge is that we only see what that person is willing to show. That is not to say that everyone is on the “gram” pretending to be XYZ. What I am saying is a picture is just a picture, be happy for the person and move on.
I try to read the book “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” every few months. The first chapter discusses the difference between object-referral and “self-referral. “The experience of the Self, or “self-referral,” means that our internal reference point is our own spirit, and not the objects of our experience. The opposite of self-referral is object-referral. In object-referral we are always influenced by objects outside the Self, which include situations, circumstances, people, and things. In object-referral we are constantly seeking the approval of others. Our thinking and our behavior are always in anticipation of a response. It is therefore fear-based.”
My brothers and sisters, what I urge you to do is reach a place of self-referral; where you are your own reference point. You can’t use him, she or her because him, she nor her grew up in the same circumstances that you did. They don’t face what you face. So how can you compare yourself to them good or bad. It’s not fair to you. Let’s be nicer to ourselves. Where you are now is exactly where you are supposed to be. If you want more then strive for it. Don’t wish, don’t want, don’t compare. Do better.
–A Woman in Process