With Valentine’s Day just a week behind us and my one-year anniversary approaching, I’ve got love on the brain (Rihanna Voice). For me love was always this movie like thing, butterflies in the stomach, take my breath away feeling. And it was also my healer. The dopamine rush that came from a romantic relationship is what I sought. I wanted someone to complete me.
And while it is something that is truly unexplainable. Something that takes hold of you and is quite possibly the best feeling in the world. It is not my healer, it is no longer my band-aid, and it is most certainly not perfect!
It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times
Before I got married, I thought things were complicated with my exes because they were not “the one.” And this is true, they were not the one for me to journey with beyond a certain amount of time. But I thought that once I met my husband, it would be smooth sailing and problem free.
But a year later…I have learned!
Love can be difficult. When you decide to journey on this thing called life fully committed to this other human and having this other human fully committed to you, it is just that a journey.
You’re learning and growing with this person, but you are also learning and growing individually. And it’s this constant commitment to meet each other in the middle. It’s a commitment to always checking in. Not to mention life will happen, and you have to deal with those trails together.
Falling for Me
I’ve also learned that you can fall and not lose yourself. Remember that dopamine rush, prior to this relationship I wanted to so badly to fall into someone. I wanted that man to scoop me into him because then I wouldn’t have to deal with the darkness of me.
But it’s incredibly unfair to both of us to give him that responsiblity. I am responsible for my happiness, I am responsible for my completeness. I am everything to myself. My husband’s love and acceptance is a fortunate addition to aforementioned.
I put me first now. I didn’t always though. I was trying to win wife of the year then quickly realized that only resentment comes with that award. Once I learned to put myself first, it became easier to be there for him. Because I was now operating from a place of surplus. Lisa Nichols says you have to love from your saucer meaning you have to love from your overflow. When you love from your overflow, you have taken care of your needs and are fully equipped to help others.
It’s only year one, but I look forward to the love and to the lessons.
A Woman in Process
“If you do not want to keep starting over, then stop giving up,” she said. My body moved, but my mind froze as she urged us to start jogging. I warmed up; thoughts still halted, I tried to capture this moment. I wanted to take a snapshot of this feeling. I wanted to be able to scroll back to this photo the next time I sought to rent space in the city of the quitting. There live my dreams and yours.
As Autumn Calabrese said those words at the beginning of my Beachbody workout, I felt all the weight of my failing. As stuck as I was at that moment, my mind raced. I thought about how much further along I would be in my fitness journey if I didn’t give up the last ten times? How well would this blog be doing if I didn’t stop writing? Where would Women In Process be if I had started it three years ago? All those “what ifs” played in my mind.
We are at the beginning of the year and with that comes resolutions. It is said that only 8% of people who make resolutions keep them. There are several reasons why we quit, but I’ll focus on two.
Remember that Marvin Gaye song where he proclaimed to Tammi Terrell, “Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough” In the song they were saying that their love can transcend the highs and the lows. I believe we quit or don’t even start on our dreams because of the Mountain High and the Valley Low.
1. Mountain High
The idea is too big. How am I going to get from Walk Manager with the Alzheimer’s Association to this world-renowned speaker and author? It just seems too far-fetched. But success is not one giant leap but rather a commitment to do this thing, whatever it may be, the best you can, every single day.
When we first start a project, we see the big picture. And that is great because at least we know what we want the end result to be. But if we allow that big picture to be anything but a guiding star then we are hurting ourselves. We can not let the fear of accomplishing the task consume us. Take it one step at a time, and before you know it, you’ll be there.
The truth is, it might take years. We are an instant gratification generation. But success comes after what Will Smith says, “years of beating on your craft.” Are you prepared for that type of commitment? Because that is what it’ll take.
2. Valley Low
Failure sucks. We fear that we will fail or we’ve failed many times already. But the lows, the difficult times, is a necessary component for success. The lessons learned from those mistakes are critical in pushing us to new heights. Just think, Edison failed at the light bulb a thousand times!
Let’s start now and be consistent in our pursuit. Let’s not shy away from tough times, knowing that it’ll be the fuel to propel us forward. See you at the top!
A Woman in Process
“Looking at a glass that reflects back an image of myself, I talk to a friend
She tells me you can’t fit my Nikes, my pain is too big
Your toes couldn’t touch the soles, my pain is too deep”
Those are words I wrote 10 years ago; the start to my first spoken word poem. I can’t think back on what particular pain 16 year old me sat and discussed with herself that day. But I do remember my love for sneakers. Modell’s Sporting Goods was my high school job, I used my store discount for low top air force ones. Beyond teen emotions and Nikes, I am impressed with her willingness to look herself in the mirror, to sit vulnerable with her.
I did that recently. Here’s what I learned…
It can’t be on again and off again. I sat self-aware, realizing that these days, though smart, confident and capable. I am hella inconsistent.
Below are a few strategies that are helping.
Write + Plan + Act
I can’t stress enough the importance of putting pen to pad, or fingers to screen. Just writing it down can make a world of difference. They say that we have 60,000 thoughts a day. Somewhere among those thoughts are hopes, goals, and dreams. By writing them down we go from thoughts to action in that one step. That’s not to say that we won’t continue to think of them, in fact the Law of Attraction says that we must continue to think on them in order for them to manifest. But remember a goal without a plan is a wish.
It has to go beyond me writing,“I will be a world renowned motivator.” There has to be some action steps. Now granted we might not know the “How” yet. I sure don’t! But what I can write down are the steps that I know will help, “Read daily, listen to motivational speakers all the time, like all the time, blog consistently, practice in front of a mirror ect.” I can also be SMART( Specific. Measurable. Attainable. Relevant and Timely ) about my goals. Now that I’ve written this awesomeness down, its time to act.
Bye Bye Procrastination
I really gotta let this one go! I take the prize, cake or whatever award you are giving out for procrastination. Procrastination is the act of delaying or postponing something. It’s the binge watching Netflix or the countless hours on Instagram.
In order to fight it, we have to find out where the mental block comes from. I believe that mine is rooted in fear of failure. It is easy to say “if I had more time, it would have been better” You see procrastination provides a built in excuse as to why one fails. I use the app todolist for all things personal and dream related. It helps me to keep things in order. We are all being pulled in a million directions. It helps me to prioritize. Not everything has to be done today, I am able to schedule things a week or more out depending. It keeps me accountable. If I write it down, it’s important. When I look at this list and I feel my procrastination saying “just watch Golden Girls.” I look at the task and ask myself why I feel this way. It allows me to look at the list holistically like today for example I said “you know what, maybe this is too much, I’ll only blog today but I’m going to do it right now!”
A Partner or Two
It’s always great to have people in your corner rooting for you. But it is incredibly beneficial to have at least one that will keep you accountable. Somebody that will give you a call to not only check on you but to say “hey you said you were going to blog every Monday, its Tuesday and I haven’t seen it” This isn’t coming from a place of judgement but rather one of love and concern.
I told a friend at work about this week’s blog on inconsistency, she said, “I’ve heard you say inconsistency a lot, how about we celebrate all the times you were consistent. How about you think about all the times you followed through.” We need to celebrate and encourage ourselves. Every accomplishment no matter how small, deserves a party!
These steps are not all the answers but they are working for me, give them a try.
– A Woman in Process
Things are good these days. Though not perfect, I live everyday thankful for my blessings. I started this year with no job, no real plan but I was hopeful and that hope has seen me through. I’ve now successfully managed three big fundraising events, which is great for the ego. But what I’m most thankful for is the fact that I don’t hate going to work everyday because I used to!
Though I’m not completely living my purpose, this position has been exactly what I need and it is remarkable to be a part of something bigger than myself. And I’m truly motivated my our vision. (Shameless plug, still time to donate, click here: Walk to End Alzheimer’s)
I’m still back home with my parents; I’ve stopped looking at it as a step back and I’ve embraced it for what it is. It’s my pivot, an opportunity for a change of direction.
My health is up and down. My medicine has been changed a couple times this year, resulting in the usual weight gain and emotional instability that I’ve become accustomed to. But the funny thing is, I love myself more now than I ever have. I needed a shift in mindset, I had to rewire or at least start the process. It’s one thing to appear like your changing or blog about changing as I did much of last year. It’s whole different thing to buckle down and do the work necessary for change. It’s messy, tearfilled, difficult work.
I’m still at the gym 4-5 times a week and do my best with my food choices. The scale has not moved all the way in the right direction but I’m trying. I’ve learned that I can love myself through the process. Yes I want the “body” but the body that I am currently in, is smart, beautiful, confident and capable.
But even though I’m in this good, ever so positive space. I’m struggling with one thing. Well there are MANY things but one thing in particular that I need to work on soon…forgiveness.
“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense”
I’ve been able to forgive most of the trauma that has occurred in my life. I’ve let go of the hate that I once had in my heart for the perpetrators. Let’s be clear, I’m far from healed but I have forgiven the evil. But I struggle to forgive the pain caused by those that are still in my life. The ones that have offended me but I love them so much that I would never want them out of my life. I’m struggling to move from frustration to forgiveness.
I’m on my self-help thing right now so of cour
Soooo yea, I’m struggling with forgiveness. I have no poker face and often times if I’m upset, you’ll know it. I’ll always be there for them but I’m no longer the Venesa that they’ve come expect.
I joke with one of my good friends about self-awareness. It seems to always come up in our conversations, the ability to be really know why you’re doing what you’re doing, thus being able to correct it or not.
I’m aware that at this moment, I’m at a place of anger and I need to move from here to one of forgiveness…
A Woman in Process
I can’t wait to get to the other side. I want to go through all this learning stuff and come out a better version of myself already! But I have to remember that life isn’t about rushing through the moments; it’s about living every moment, whether those moments are good or bad.
I started this new position four months ago and it’s had its fair share of challenges. Though I have varied skills that have prepared me for this moment, I’ve flat out never done it before. As a Manager for three Walk to End Alzheimer’s events, I’m working in this cycle of fundraising.
Though I’m becoming very comfortable in the role, every month is met with unique experiences or phases of the cycle that I’ve yet to go through.
Today as I sat to write this post I couldn’t help but see the parallels between my career and my personal life. I’ve never been here before, personally either. I have never been 26, back home, single, learning a new career, family sickness, issues with my own illness, friendship struggles; everything that culminates this particular moment is a new challenge.
Most days I’m up for it, and others I whine. I throw a good ol’ fashion temper tantrum.
I scream(usually to myself) how unfair it is that my body won’t cooperate or I yell about how I need more hours in the day.
On Saturday I had a great talk with a friend, though we aren’t close we have stayed connected throughout the years, much more now that I am back in town. She is even a member of my planning committee for one of my Walk events. Saturday, she gave much of her day to help raise funds for this devastating disease. We decided to grab dinner after. We talked about men, school and career. This conversation reminded me that many of us in our mid twenties are going through the same life struggles. The circumstances might be different but we are all trying to figure it out.
Others might seem like they have it all together but most likely they don’t. Even if they do, its not about comparisons anyway. It’s about living your life and following your true path.
After having this great conversation, I became motivated to write again. I want to continue to share my story in hopes of connecting others facing similar battles.
But there has been times that I have been motivated over the last few months but I just haven’t put pen to pad. Sunday, I woke up feeling nauseous and just plain sick. We had sushi for dinner so I texted my friend and asked how she was doing. She said she felt fine, so ruling the sushi out, I thought maybe it was the cold stone ice cream I had after sushi that was my problem. No Cold Stone after sushi, note to self!
Forced to stay in bed, I started to write. So the above rambling is just a long winded way of saying, I’m back. See you here every Monday morning 😘
A Woman in Process