What’s Eating You?

Things are good these days. Though not perfect, I live everyday thankful for my blessings. I started this year with no job, no real plan but I was hopeful and that hope has seen me through. I’ve now successfully managed three big fundraising events, which is great for the ego. But what I’m most thankful for is the fact that I don’t hate going to work everyday because I used to! 

Though I’m not completely living my purpose, this position has been exactly what I need and it is remarkable to be a part of something bigger than myself. And I’m truly motivated my our vision. (Shameless plug, still time to donate, click here: Walk to End Alzheimer’s

I’m still back home with my parents; I’ve stopped looking at it as a step back and I’ve embraced it for what it is. It’s my pivot, an opportunity for a change of direction.

My health is up and down. My medicine has been changed a couple times this year, resulting in the usual weight gain and emotional instability that I’ve become accustomed to. But the funny thing is, I love myself more now than I ever have. I needed a shift in mindset,  I had to rewire or at least start the process. It’s one thing to appear like your changing or blog about changing as I did much of last year. It’s whole different thing to buckle down and do the work necessary for change. It’s messy, tearfilled, difficult work. 

I’m still at the gym 4-5 times a week and do my best with my food choices. The scale has not moved all the way in the right direction but I’m trying. I’ve learned that I can love myself through the process. Yes I want the “body” but the body that I am currently in, is smart, beautiful, confident and capable.

giphy

But even though I’m in this good, ever so positive space. I’m struggling with one thing. Well there are MANY things but one thing in particular that I need to work on soon…forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense”

I’ve been able to forgive most of the trauma that has occurred in my life. I’ve let go of the hate that I once had in my heart for the perpetrators. Let’s be clear, I’m far from healed but I have forgiven the evil. But I struggle to forgive the pain caused by those that are still in my life. The ones that have offended me but I love them so much that I would never want them out of my life. I’m struggling to move from frustration to forgiveness.

The 

I’m on my self-help thing right now so of cour

Soooo yea, I’m struggling with forgiveness. I have no poker face and often times if I’m upset, you’ll know it. I’ll always be there for them but I’m no longer the Venesa that they’ve come expect.

I joke with one of my good friends about self-awareness. It seems to always come up in our conversations, the ability to be really know why you’re doing what you’re doing, thus being able to correct it or not.

I’m aware that at this moment, I’m at a place of anger and I need to move from here to one of forgiveness…

A Woman in Process

Written:11/24/16

 

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