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It’s only been a few weeks but I’ve been keeping something from you. After my nightmare of a date last month, I made commitment to myself and focusing on me. But like I mentioned in that post, life has a way of making absolutes tricky.
My ex, someone who I’ve been playing the back and forth game with for the last three years, resurfaced in my life. We have always kept in contact and held no hard feeling towards each other. When we finally decided to part ways for the last time, it was on mutual terms and I felt that it was over at least that part of our relationship.
When he phoned me three weeks ago expressing where he was in life and saw how I fit into his new present and future, I was taken aback. It’s not that I didn’t believe him but I was skeptical. I’ve been waiting three years to have this man commit in this way so it was shocking to hear him tell me these things, why now?
I was scared because I didn’t want to lose me again. I want to explore me void of a relationship or attachments. But unlike the old Venesa, I didn’t seek this, this found me.
He asked me for an opportunity to show that this time, the last time, will be different. He asked me to stop acting like it would be a bad thing to fall in love with him. He begged me for the chance to be what I have always wanted.
I resisted for a little while. The last few months he was keeping in touch a bit more so I figured something was a brewing. But I know this man and he doesn’t say anything he does not mean nor does he sugar coat. A major part of the reason why we struggled before, back then I wasn’t mature enough to understand his honestly. Now I relish in his candor.
Please don’t get me wrong we had a host of other issues, my illness, my climbing back to me, his personal battles, arguing, culture you name we went through it. And we have a long way to go no matter how much we have changed individually.
I kept this from you because I felt like I talked a big game about being alone and ended up in this thing, moments later. But then I realize that a part of why I love writing in this forum is the fact that I get to be so open.
I haven’t been writing as often because I truly felt like I was keeping a secret. But it’s not a secret at all. I love this man and I’m granting him the opportunity, as he asked, to fall in love.
At first I didn’t even tell the people closest to me, out of fear of ridicule. But I made my decision and they have the choice of being on board or not. It’s that simple.
Do I wish that I had more time for myself, sure. He’s moved from New York and in a way I have the best of both worlds. My friends will tell you, I’m a hopeless romantic, I do fall hard. The physical distance between us will force me to take it slow and still work on me. The most important part of the equation.
I know in my heart that if I didn’t give this a fair shot I would wonder all my life, what if?
A Woman in Process